Thursday, July 14, 2005

Ghoulies and ghosties and long legged beasties and things that go bump in the night....

Here I am blogging away at 2:40 am and feeling righteous for I have yet again cleared my transcription pile and am TTF (Totally Transcript Free). Tonight I was working on some 'scripts for a future TV show (HA...and you thought transcription was all about BORING INSURANCE CLAIMS didn't you??!!) Anyway, this TV show is about haunted houses, and bringing in a ghost of psychics - since I don't KNOW what a group of psychics is called - into the house to tell you how IMPOSSIBLY HAUNTED IT IS and how they're going to stay the weekend and FIX all the lost souls who just need to GO TO THE LIGHT. And all of it is recorded on TV for our viewing pleasure.

It was while working on this that I had the idea to go on one of these shows, just to see if the psychics REALLY are psychic or if they just feed into whatever you tell them is wrong and SCARE you half to death by TOTALLY AGREEING that the house creaks because you've got a POLTERGEIST in your house. And it's probably your DEAD UNCLE CHARLIE who could never find the way to the KITCHEN when ALIVE let alone to the LIGHT now he's DEAD. He thought fluorescent lights were the work of the DEVIL so there's no wonder he's AVOIDING the brilliantly hurts your eyes to look at it WHITE LIGHT!

I want to invent dead bodies that I ALONE CAN SEE and then step reverently over them on my way to the laundry room. And I want to wake SHRIEKING at the top of my lungs that someone is LAYING on me and I can't BREATHE and the reason nobody else can SEE this presence is because I alone am sensitive to such things. I want to tell hideous tales of doors that OPEN BY THEMSELVES and dogs that BARK AT NOTHING! I want to tell them I haven't slept in 2 WHOLE FREAKING WEEKS because I am being TORMENTED BY THE SOULS OF THE DEPARTED!

Now see, if you acted like that with most people, they'd call people in white suits to take you away for a good long rest and lots of nutritious narcotics. But having typed several of these audio files, I have come to see that my imaginative talent is being plain WASTED. It would be such an immense treat to feed the hungry psychics one HUGE fib after another, washed down with a heaping helping of whine, with self-pity and helplessness to follow. Because they seem to THRIVE on such fare.

The dead body? Well that's because someone DIED in your house and you just see the IMPRINT - the MEMORY if you will of his lifeless form. In fact, they may even go you one better and let you know that one of the HOST of ghosts residing in your home is probably a MURDERER and is only biding his time until he can figure out a way of DOING YOU IN WHILE YOU SLEEP. So it's a pretty good thing that you've not been sleeping at all. OMIGOD the ghosts are falling OVER themselves in your house! They come in through the MIRRORS and spy on you while you go about your daily lives, and it's ALL YOUR FAULT because you're probably drawing them in with your latent psychic ability that you didn't even KNOW you had till they told you.

Not that I think all psychics are charlatans. Just most of them. Mostly the ones who agree to appear on cheesy TV shows about haunted houses. And the people who live in these so called haunted houses? They're either fibbing like mad or they've got a freaking screw loose and belong in a nice quiet bouncy room eating meals with a plastic spoon. How else do you explain why someone would have all of the above CRAP going on in their house and NOT WANT TO MOVE??!! And we're not talking about financial restrictions. It's not a question of hey, if we could get out of here we'd be gone like YESTERDAY. No, gentle reader. These are people who are supposedly suffering the torments of the DAMNED and yet bravely say that they don't find it too bad to live there.

HELLOOOO??!! Oh right. I'm falling over dead bodies, being choked by creatures of the night and can't keep a door shut and I DON'T THINK IT'S TOO BAD TO LIVE THERE??!! Where have they lived previously?? A CRYPT?? So that tends to raise the bullshit meter as far as I'm concerned. And if they're just either barking mad or lying for attention, how do you explain the reaction of the psychics??!!

Maybe I'm just too darned cynical for my own good.

Anyway, it's way past the witching hour, so I need to go muzzle the dog, padlock the door and step over that CORPSE by the bathroom on my way to get CHOKED IN MY SLEEP!

Of's not bad enough that I want to leave.

Bwah ha ha ha ha ha.


Blogger 'Lema said...

Do you not see that there have been no/nada/zip comments to your posts the last few days? O.O It's odd.. is there an alien invasion?


6:43 PM  
Blogger Azrael said...

again, another comment..(from f a r away..(perhaps Azrael is a ghost in training..)(I do seem to haunt you at times..)
Azzy azbourne..

12:14 PM  

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