Saturday, July 09, 2005

Appypollylogies and Accents

As Ailema-child (aka The Babybat) reminded me in her usual succinct style, this is supposed to be a near-daily and not a near-weekly blog. So mea culpa....mea culpa and much beating of breasts and rending of garments. I'd promise to do better but sheesh, KNOW how THAT one goes. I'm one of the least organized people I know. I only WISH I could be one of those folks whose every microsecond is graphed and diagrammed and on some kind of orderly list-like thing. THOSE people. The ones whose homes smell of Pine-Sol and Lysol and all the little baby Sols. The ones who never leave laundry till they're down to a single pair of knickers. The ones who ACHIEVE things!! THOSE people. Probably most of you.

I could blame it on the job that never ends - the unceasing flow of audio files being thrown at me from the Big Office in New York. And yes...there has been a ton of that lately. But the real reason for my not writing lately is shamefully this.....LAZINESS! Something about being a Gemini Tiger and doing a lot of chasing down food and then needing to sleep for a week. I did a mountain of transcription last weekend while you were all playing with your 4th of July fireworks. And then spent the next couple of days collecting audio files to do later in the week and being hideously LAZY and playing Crescent Solitaire and reading Stephen King, and LOOKING at the files I had to complete by Monday next and not actually making a START on them until a couple of days ago.

I thought I was in pretty good shape with the files until yesterday. All week I've been having an email problem. My email will talk to anyone and everyone. It's not picky at all. It welcomes all those little missives that tell me how I can achieve a more satisfying erection and buy a house with the lowest rates EVER. It talks to those people EVERY HOUR. Unfortunately it isn't talking to the one and only address I NEED it to talk to - the Big Office in New York where I send my completed transcripts. It's been this way since last Sunday. We had to reset something at the site because it wouldn't upload the new edition of the website that BB had worked so hard on. Unfortunately I think that when the system administrator at Infinology reset it, they did something wacky to the email settings. So now it won't talk to my employer. AT ALL. It'll communicate with them via their back-up Hotmail address, and even by their French office....but the actual Big Office in New York? NO!

So anyway we've been trying to figure out why this is happening all week long. Yesterday I had the brilliant idea that I could use a different email address to send in my files, and contacted one of the peeps in NY who assigns them - using my trusty AOL messenger (which I've not had up for days because I didn't want to be socked with any last minute files) - and the first words out of her fingers were "OH I tried CALLING you earlier. I have a question" Questions from the Big Office in New York usually never bode well and usually have something to do with me spazzing and uploading the wrong file or something stupid. But noooooooo....they had another file due on Monday next which has BRITISH ACCENTS and I was the ONLY one they could THINK of that was good with accents so pleeeeeeease....PLEEEEEEEEASE would I do this file???!!! Ack. So now I'm not in the good shape I thought I was. It's doable, but REALLY puts a dent in the plans I had for laying around in bed and watching movies and eating dark chocolate peanut M&Ms. Good with accents....bwah ha ha ha....I'm BRITISH ferchrissakes! Of course I can do British accents. It's the yank ones I have issues with :) !!! Although I did have one last week which was funny as hell. It was one of those financial statements to shareholders meetings kind of thingy, but it was a French guy trying to speak English. And it was obviously originally written in French and translated by a Frenchman who doesn't know the nuances of the English language. The funny part was that as I was transcribing it, I became aware of the fact that the only reason I could do it so well was because of all the years I frittered away watching shows like MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS and NOT THE NINE O'CLOCK NEWS where they often used to put on ridiculously over the top French accents and butcher the English language. HA! And I thought I was just WASTING TIME watching those things!!! All I had to do was picture John Cleese or Rowan Atkinson up there talking about shares and end of year averages. Peasy!!

I know...these things tend to go on forever because I don't write often enough and then wind up with a bazillion things to say, but bear with me for one last thought about accents and the way people talk.

There is NEPOTISM in local TV in Washington state.

Anyone who doesn't believe me has only to tune into Kiro 7's weather forecast in the evening. See, they used to have a weather guy at Kiro called Harry Wappler. (Which when Americans say it sounds like some nasty breed of insect.....and today we'll be dissecting the Harry Wappler....) Anyway. Harry was at Kiro forever. For like 20 years or some such thing. And he was REALLY good. Not necessarily his predictions (although they did name the Kiro doppler after him...the Wappler Doppler ....*chokes*), but his presentation. He spoke well. He was plausible and not the slightest bit irritating to my ears.

Well Harry retired a couple of years ago, and who took over his role at Kiro as the weather guy? His son, Andy Wappler. I guess they needed another Wappler so they didn't have to rename the Doppler?

And herein lies the problem. Think of all the TV news guys and girls you know. They all have one important thing in common. They can speak in clear, comprehensible sentences and read a teleprompter. Andy might have inherited his father's last name, but I think the speaking gene missed a generation. He's a freaking MUSHMOUTH. I don't know how many times I've been listening to the weather while doing something else and turned to the TV and asked WHAT?? WHAT did you just say?? He can't pronounce the word Seattle - which for someone doing the weather for this region one would think should be a pretty obvious requirement. It comes out of his mouth more like Settle. And when you hear something like 'Settle's 'onna have some shevy showers issevenin' " you'd say WHAT too!!

I'm a transcriptionist. I translate for mushmouths all the time. And even I have difficulty in following what he's trying to say most of the time. It says a lot for the loyalty of Washingtonians to their TV guys that nobody's started a campaign to get him a speech therapist yet. And it says a lot about the nepotism in local TV that he got the job in the first place.

Shevy Showers.

Bwaah ha ha ha ha ha ha.


Blogger pastorofmuppets said...

I had just been talking to my mother about good ol' Andy (as I can usually get my mom to bust out in hysterical laughter with my impression of him) and how amazing it is that he's got that job, with that level of impediment. so it occured to me to check the net, looking to see if others were equally appalled. Sure enough "Andy Wappler" + "speech" almost immediately brought me to your blog. Oh Andy.

11:20 PM  

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